Beast of burden

What the heck! I have been extremely demotivated and sad for sometime now, even though I have no reasons to do the same however somethings are beyond control. I guess a part of it is due to mood swings which have begun already.
I am sitting with these reports which I need to write and send out today but I feel completely demotivated at the least. To share a dirty secret I have just not been enjoying my work for sometime now even though i continue to do well. But this has been a persistent feeling for almost a year now and I guess I am way too lazy to do anything about it.
I guess one of the things which I plan to do is to start taking active interest even in things which don't interest me at work and do my best to keep my self focused on my work. I think that alone will give me a lot of sense of achievement at the end of the day.

Beautiful morning!

The morning cold with a hot cup of tea
A little flower on my window sill
A little bird which sings aloud
A little sunlight in my balcony
A sparkling house and a good ready meal
Life is beautiful in its own small ways

I am back!

It has been a long time since I wrote..2 months to be exact. Life has been one hell of a rid in the last 2 months. Following big events happened:

• Went home for Diwali met parents and in-laws
• Good news- I am "mommy to be" :-). Myself and hubby are thrilled and so is the rest of the family. Have travelled a lot and in early pregnancy it is a pain. Have been throwing up regularly but then it comes with the package. :-). Last month and a half have gone in coping with the basics of pregnancy.
• Am off all travel now so I am home regularly- What a bliss...
• Did my first public workshop which went of quite well... Got very good client feedback
• It was our first anniversary last week and Amit's birthday. Gifted him an 8520 :-). How time flies...Amit promised to quit smoking I pray to God he sticks to it..that's the biggest gift he can ever give me....

That's all for now :-).

Dear little baby,

This one is for you to save it for posterity. Daddy and Mummy are really happy to have you and wait anxiously for you to come to us. The thrill of seeing you during the first scan cannot be described, you became real we could see you, hear your heartbeats you are there in real for us to hold very soon hopefully. You have brought so much happiness and contentment in our lives that it is difficult to express it.

Daddy is already driving me up the wall with his anxiety and insistence of getting my blood tests done regularly, monitoring my haemoglobin, food , am I climbing stairs etc etc etc but it is all for you. We read up every week on the net how you are developing and it is very exciting for us to know about everything. Other than that we are not preparing anything else... we are waiting for you to come to us safe, sound and healthy.

Love you lots!

Mummy

Seeking wisdom!

I am hurt and confused! Wonder what is the right thing to do by all, something which is fair to everyone; including me!

There is a lot of noise inside me again. Dear Lord! Please give me the strength, patience and love to tide over this. Please also give me the wisdom to do what is right...

My Hero!

I was reading this book yesterday which forced me to think about my father. I have heard this statement many many times from almost everybody that their fathers were their heroes. I am forced to ask myself that what does "hero" mean. Does it mean that the person is not allowed to have any weaknesses or can "heroes" also have their own rough edges. If someone were to ask me about my hero I would say that I have had the privilege of having multiple heroes. People who have inspired me and guided me at various points in my life.
However the one person I aspired to be in my life was my "grandfather" only because of his grit to conquer adversity. However sadly enough he was not my father's hero. As a professional he had big accomplishments but he failed miserably both as a father and a husband. He was able to correct the latter in his old age but the former remained his biggest failing in life. However this is not a post about my grandfather.
As a husband and a father my dad has been extremely successful. I rate him as one of the finest "fathers" a child could have. I guess he did everything for his children which he would have wanted his father to do for him. He lived his childhood through didi and myself and ensured that mom was always well loved and well taken care of, basically things I guess he found amiss in his own childhood.
When I think back of my childhood there is a rush of memories, however if you were to ask me what is the earliest memory I have of my father it is of a serious and angry man. He was not someone who would take to holding and cuddling children and laughing and joking with them. However it did not mean that we did not have our share of fun with dad. He worked in a factory and initially he had the night shifts because of which I hardly saw dad in the earliest phase of my life. However things changed and dad changed his profile, even though it meant slower growth for him within the organization, so that he could spend more time with his family.
I will today just document some of the memories and key learnings which I associate with my dad:

• After coming back from office at 6:30 p.m. in the evening he used to sit down with us and we would have dinner over discussions of the day, school, stories, anecdotes. My dad has a rich gift of telling stories this enriched us on a day to day basis I wish I had inherited some of it. His ability to choose the right anecdote at the right moment never fails to amaze me.
• We were well loved but never pampered. There was this one day every month when dad used to take us out and we could have anything we wanted, whether it was chat, ice cream or dosa; these being the family favorites. But even in those days we never could ask for a second one. I wonder how we learnt discipline even though we were never taught explicitly. This in no way means that we had an oppressed childhood by any standards, we were just learning to be disciplined and live happily in our resources. We often went to the market for long walks but it did not necessarily mean that we had to buy something.
• My dad used to get an annual LTA which was a small chunk of money. As a family it was a joint decision which we took on how we wanted to spend the money. There was this one year when we wanted to use it for a vacation to a hill station. I remember how we as a family discussed and eventually decided to use that money to buy a cooler for the home instead so that we could all have a comfortable summers instead of a week of comfort at a hill station. We learnt to be extremely conscious about our resources and how to best utilize it for the comfort of the family.
• Since childhood we were involved in managing the home, we were asked for our opinions about running the house and they taken seriously and implemented. We as family used to take up projects from time to time, for example to cut our electricity bills we decided that anyone who switches off the light or fan will be paid 10p fine by the person who left it on by mistake.
• As a family we bonded together on weekends over carrom and chinese checkers. What fun it was. We never missed television which was strictly rationed to half an hour on week days and one movie on weekends.
• Dad always encouraged all of us to learn everything possible. He encouraged me to learn dancing, singing, painting, sewing, knitting, cooking, table laying, banking...everything. All this had to be learnt while maintaining my grades in school. Thanks dad I love you for letting me learn all this and more importantly building in me the value and importance of continuous learning.
• We were encouraged to be disciplined since childhood, it meant we had our assigned set of duties for household work along with studies, playtime and a designated half an our of television. No we did not feel oppressed, I feel it just made us more structured in our approach to life while building appreciation for various aspects of life itself.
• Whenever there was a maths problem dad you were always there for me even if it was 10 or 12 at night you never shied from helping me or helping didi with economics, commerce, accounting...whoosh you are a genius dad!
• Dad all this is fine but the biggest thing you gave me is my value system. Respect for elders, basic etiquette and manners, belief in God, value for money, value for education, respect for others accomplishments, attitude to learn from others, patience, learning to live within one's means, hard work and above all this the value for relationships, to hold and wait to meet and love someone and not drift through meaningless relationships which I see around myself often. The courage to believe in myself and stand by what is right even if it means that I stand alone. The ability to give myself completely to what I believe in. I can't document all dad...but I know you know what I mean.
• My ability to deal with disappointments and always push my limit to achieve the next plane is thanks to your setting the highest benchmarks for me dad.

Dad there are so many more and I can write a whole book on this...But all I want to say is that you are my biggest hero. I owe so much to you and like every child I will say " My daddy strongest".You have made me a more pragmatic and well balanced person, you have done a great job as a father, a husband a professional and above all as an individual. I love you for all this and more...

Random thoughts!

The trip had ended with mixed feelings , she thought as the local transport bus hurled down the narrow circling hilly roads. The bus was old with the paint pealing off at multiple places, the cloth seat covers were dirty and greasy, an old Hindi movie song played in the background. Her brand new husband sat next to her talking mundane stuff trying to distract her attention from her motion sickness while her entire being was focused on the rising ball of burning sensation at the bottom of her throat threatening her every moment.

Her honeymoon had left her confused; while sometimes she felt she had found her closest friend in Manoj at the others she felt they were total strangers and they belonged to two different worlds. But then that was expected given that they had married after meeting each other briefly for ten minutes. Even during the time between their wedding and engagement their schedules had been so tight that they had been able to talk to each other over phones very briefly; not that having Conservative parents helped.

Suddenly she was shaken out of her reverie as she realized that Manoj had been talking to her and was looking at her face expectantly. The little boy selling nariyal saved her by asking her to buy some pieces of the same.

I yearn!

For a little bit of winter sun, for the colourful flowers, for lush greenery around me. A burst of laughter, peaceful sleep, a long drive, one evening of music, a cup of warm tea on the balcony, a session of exercise, a lazy Saturday afternoon with maggi, chai and book. A long walk with a friend talking heart to heart, a loving hug, some dreams to live for, a small gift of love, a walk in the rain....one night in the open under the stars. Cool breeze on my face, a pat on my back something which is mine...only mine...

Happy anniversary

Dear Mom and dad,

I know most probably you will never read it however I did want to write it for you. You have today completed 39 years of being together with each other. Congratulations! I hope both of you have many more years like this together and whenever it is time to go I hope it is not too far away from each other.

I know you have lived a happy and fulfilling life with a complete family and both of you have worked hard everyday of your life to meet expectations from each side whether it was each of your parents and of course your children. I know you made sacrifices along the way everyday however you will never regret them because you achieved all your most important goals. I sometimes today wonder where you got so much of energy to do all that i am half your age today and get drained out so easily. How both of you used to walk in the sun to save some money, how everything was made at home to avoid spending it t outside.

You gave both didi and myself the best of education, mom chose not to work so that grandparents were well taken care of. For years you did not sleep full nights to be with grandparents when they were ill. In the last moments you were there for each one of them. However you ensured none of the burden shifted onto didi or myself so that our studies did not get impacted. You loved us without pampering us to keep our feet grounded. I wonder how you found the right balance between letting us enjoy and being strict? How you figured the balance as we kept growing? How u found the faith to let us fly on our own one day? I am sure the realization that your little birdies were ready to fly out of the nest must have hurt you...I am sure it must have worried you like hell, if we would survive our tests, but then i am proud of you for having the courage of letting go of us.

I don't know if i will ever be able to express all that i feel for you. Despite the number of disagreements i have with you, the number of times when I take you for granted and do not talk to you i love both of you a lot...thank you so much for being my parents...

Death is like that!

I often have gone through these questions several times inside me over the last few months since I lost my father in law about:

• Is God cruel for taking away the people dear to us?
• Even if someone has to go why does the person have to go through unbearable sickness and pain before it?
• Does God listen to prayers? Why do miracles not happen even after begging from Him? If everything has to happen as destined then why should one pray?
• What happens to an individual after he/she dies?

I have seen my husband and sister-in-law struggle with these questions every day of their lives for the last six months. To most of these questions i dont think there is a readymade rational answer atleast not that I can think of. SIL has gone to the extent of studying reams and reams on the net to find out about life after death but I guess her findings are inconclusive.

I think these questions are the cause for mental disquiet inside both of them currently; though I do understand that this all stems from their missing papa a lot. Since these questions are being asked by people I love so much somewhere I have been wondering about them. I am also asking myself as to why I did not ask these questions when I lost my near and dear ones. Is it because I did not love them enough? I believe it is also to do with how much acceptance one has of death as a part of life itself. I have had to see death at very close quarters when I was 5 and I lost my youngest uncle to a freak accident. I have a distinct memory of that day in my life. Death did not seem unreasonable or unfair or any of those things to me even on that day. May be I was too young to understand death itself. However I did know then that I will never see my uncle again and I was to say a "final good bye" to him...however I was fine.

Then I lost my nani...I was sad but not too affected by it yet again however my mom went into a depression for sometime. I also lost my mami who herself was quite young when she died and she left behind 3 kids who were too young the youngest being some 7-8 years. I guess when the family came back I was more in the mode of let us get life together. I think one death which affected me was my grandfather's since he was someone I looked upto in my life. However it came down to my wanting to emulate whatever he had done well in his life.

However these have been digressions. The important question is how should one help someone else arrive at answers to these questions because papa's suffering does not seem to be good enough answer.

I guess there are incidents in each of our lives at different points which make us question our entire value system and we have to answer all the questions that come up within us. These incidents change us in ways we would have never imagined..but I guess the key to move on is to learn to forgive and leave behind the anger and bitterness inside us....

Another note

Just to say I could not think up anything to write because of the noise inside me...

The corporate game I lost!

Yes so what i lost this one! It hurts but wouldn't it hurt anybody. I keep trying to "fix the blame" as we traditionally call it, but all of it seems to point at me.
No this in no way means that I was not doing good work. I was doing good work even great work if I myself may say so. I have enough mails from my clients to prove it. But then! whats with all that. What matters at the end of the day is as follows! I will still document it even though most of them are cliched as hell:-

• In the corporate world "loyalty does not pay"
• Saying right things at the right time matters it does not mean "sucking up" it means speaking your mind but with the right set of words
• Ability to gauge people is crucial to corporate success
• Do not trust your seniors be savvy and politically correct all the time. Take every opportunity to project yourself positively
• Don't know if this is worth it but ensure your peers do not hog all the lime light.
• Keep asking WIIFM and do not let any organization, person sway you. it is your career you have to take charge of it.
• Last but not the least, when you are hit negatively which everyone is at some point in their careers plan your next move whether within the organization or outside. Do not let anger and frustration hold you.

My first trip to a hill station

So Mussoorie it was! My first hill station visit with me dreaming of green hills, narrow jungle trains, chilly weather, pretty flowers and small streams springing up along the way. Much of it was derived from my reading of novels of Ruskin Bond and Shivani. So off we went with this idyllic picture in my mind of what I would find. I looked forward to going for long walks with Amit in the evening and stopping by for chai and pakoras in a small shanthy. I thought of the beautiful and colourful flowers and rosy cheeked children which I was sure to meet. I looked forward to buying glass bangles from a small shop by the road. Maybe a picnic where we would pack food and go to a park with mom, Ekta, bhaiya, Amit and myself and spend time with each other over games of cards, ludo or taboo laughing and joking. Basically one small happy family where would have time to rebuild our bonds and learn to move on with life with each other and find our faith all over again. But then who said I was not an idealist.

For a first hill station visit I think I had kept the benchmark too high as far as the scenery is concerned; even from family I think we all are very different while for me "family time" is a priority rightly enough others had priorities around shopping so all the other plans of "quiet family time" went kaput. However what I did discover was that however different we are we could peacefully coexist and learn to love and care for each other.

I did get to meet Ruskin Bond and was able to get a book autographed by him. Even though there was no "my" time with Amit and no walk with him but yes there was this beautiful afternoon where it rained along with hail and all of us sat in a small restaurant by the the road and had dosas and sambhar with hot piping tea. I saw a visibly relaxed Ekta which was a big relief. But Mom was tense. I got one hour one evening with my book in a corner by the road near the famous "camel rock" view and I simply loved it. But if I was to pick that one special thing from this trip it was how close I felt with my husband, it was simply awesome.
I kept yearning to take a small piece of Mussoorie back for my mom and dad and missed them terribly; wonder when I will learn to live in the moment:-). This will continue to be one of my cherished memories for life as I preserve it for posterity with this memoir. But surely there will be more details which will follow about the trip itself.

The story writer in me!

I have always aspired to be a story writer though I am not sure if my english, grammar and expression would stand the test. Secondly the kind of patience which is required to write and rewrite the same thing over and over again is simply not there in me. I realize that I am very impatient kind of a person overall. Thirdly though i keep getting these flashes of ideas I never get a complete story idea i just keep getting these scenes and I guess a lot of thinking needs to go in to get a story together. May be one day I will be motivated enough to write a full story till then I will suffice with documenting small tid bits or flashes of ideas which strike me.

For You-Part III

O dear Lord! Give me faith and please give me strength. I felt deep loss of faith yesterday and hence I am turning to You once again today.
I wonder the quirks of human heart and mind...and the ability to rationalize things within is the biggest strength and the biggest weakness of the human mind...

questions unanswered

A question about which we all think and that also quite often..."What is life?" and also "What is fair?"

I am unable to answer this question to myself.

The power of expression and calculation...

The power of expression is one of the biggest skill one can acquire in this lifetime. I guess we all value it in our professional lives. I have seen people reap exponential rewards through this one skill even if they are lacking in many other aspects. So let us see what all constitutes the power of expression:

• To know the degree of emotions to be reflected when responding either to a collegue, subordinate or boss and the ability to chose the right set of words
• To know how to smoothly take your boss into the loop of your work, so it sounds like, "hi ABC, how're you doing..hmm.. I was working on this XYZ can you take a look at it for a few minutes just needed your input for something". Result: Work smoothly projected upwards.
• The art of giving feedback: Now you need to give fedback to your boss- depending on how good the relationship yoyu have the following choices : swallow the feedback and keep cribbing and up the morale quotient of the organization:P, give it to your boss's boss with whom you would have already built a relationship through "work projection" or otherwise use sophisticated language for saying the same crap in a manner that he/she cannot touch you.

Now when we talk about the power of expression it is usually useless without being combined with the power of calculation:

• On a project one of the critical skills is to be able to calculate who is the most important person, is there long term mileage which can be derived from the project and yes this with a healthy dose of "luck" can do wonders for you.
• Ability to calculate what are the meatiest pieces of work and keep the control of the same to yourself so that whenever it is talked about u r required especially the role of the presentation "integrator is key ;-)

As they say life is a journey all about learnings....:P

For You: Part II

I just did not get time to over the past few days. Things are better thanks a ton for this...We are definitely moving in the right direction....Whatever my other worries are today I rest them at Your feet with the faith that You will take care of us and guide us in the right direction.
I want to share with You a simple dream and a vision for our life and I know there will be this day of deja vu when this dream will come true...for as You say patience will always pay.
A simple evening over a cup of tea, family gathered around a a dining table (which includes my 2 future children), laughter and jokes, stories to share and peace within...Amen

For You: Part I

This is my second attempt to talk to You over this Blog. Everytime I try I lose patience and flow since there are so many things inside me which i must tell You. So I am going to try something, I am going to share one or two things with you every day. As a friend said this to me one day the if there is something piled up then you can't remove it at one go you need to dislodge it one by one.
I am losing a little bit of faith in myself and in my life. You know I have been a fighter always and sheerly because You made me like this. Mom and dad have started noticing it they keep asking me that I don't sound happy. Today I dont feel the point of fighting, I realize that fighting makes sense only if there is something better you can achieve after that fight and if you can't then what is the fight for. That "better" also has to come at only a certain price beyond which the marginal utility is negative I guess.
I do understand that You will make everything fine one day. "When" is the question... I have only one request as always, "Please give me patience, belief in yourself, myself and those around me and along with that large doses of deep faith in You to tide over this. Please also give me the strenght to accept whatever You send my way with equanimity and love"
I love You a lot....

Back....

Hello there! I wonder if some of you visited my page in the last 3 days and got to see some obnoxious stuff, but as usual i have removed some of it.
I am thinking what should I write about today? I have these hazaar ideas going on im my head but I dont think I have the patience to work on any of them right now. I promise to myself that Iwill write something small atleast everyday.
Let me today talk about some general observations without classifying them...

• I happened to read a new blog must I say I was impressed.
• I am look forward to my mom in law and sis in law coming it will be good fun with all of us together
• I made aam panna a couple of days bck for the first time and I think I did a damn neat job of it:-)
• I am planning to gift mom and dad an air conditioner next month...i love the thrill I feel when i think of how surprised they would be on getting it
• I started learning swimming and dropped it in the last week but will take it up again from today or tomorrow
• I opened my Demat account almost a year back and I was able to log-in to it only for the last 2 days. Must say a good start..I will start saving money now :-) I am thrilled
• I broke my gullak(piggy bank) and realized had saved up a couple of thousand bucks in it... Have already spent some of it...but the rest will definitely go into my saving account :D (now you have the baniya in me thrilled)
• Amit took me out for dinner and drinks yesterday and may I say that I had a wonderful evening...

long time no see

From Birthday till date have often though that I need to write but just never got around to doing it...A lot happened in between I got married. Big word it is a lot of dreams i saw as a girl. Some disappointments and many more good occasions. I will definitely keep writing some of the details of the last most dynamic months of my life in the next few posts if only for my reference alone.

I met my husband through an online portal and even though I was initially not convinced that he was the right guy for me today I am happily married to him. He is the only man I guess who is so clean of heart, straightforward and I believe that he loves me quite deeply.

However like any other marriage ours is going through its settling phase where we are taking time to understand each other and maybe moderate our expectations of each other.

Parents is a touchy subject in any marriage as a matter of fact and I think having clear expectations is quite important. While I think he has made his expectations quite clear as far as my MIL and SIL are concerned I am unable to do so. However i must say that I have met the most wonderful people in my MIL and SIL. They are 2 people who are absolutely clean of heart and can share their love quite directly with me.

I wonder what I can do to bring my parents into the same circle of affection like my MIL and SIL. I really do hope that this one dream does come true for me....